Warner Empire Launches Totally Not A Brewery, a Brewery With Everything Except Beer

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah: Warner Empire, LC today announced Totally Not A Brewery, the fifth of its totally not real companies, now listed on the company's companies page at warnerempire.com/totally-not-real-companies.

Totally Not A Brewery exists because the empire bought a brewery's equipment: one stainless pump cart and one canning machine, co-owned with Andrew of Kiitos Brewing. The equipment is being resold. The story, the company decided, was worth keeping.

"We bought the equipment to sell it," said Guy Warner, founder of Warner Empire, LC. "Then somebody asked which brewery it came from, and I realized the story was the best part of the deal. So we kept the story and gave it a tap list."

The brewhouse inventory is one pump cart, one canning machine, and zero brewers. Production is expected to remain at zero indefinitely.

The Tap List

What the brewery lacks in production it makes up for in range. The tap list is organized by the three residents of the empire.

For the Raven: What Muninn Counts, an imperial stout; Never Leaves His Post, a porter that has never once been rotated off; and Two Ravens, a black lager served in pairs, one for Huginn and one for Muninn, after the two ravens of Odin who fly the world and report back.

For the Goat: Heidrun, a mead named for the goat on the roof of Valhalla in Norse myth, whose udders produced mead for fallen warriors; Trough Water, a light lager the goat insists is a pilsner; Longship No. 5, a Viking ale; and The Goat Is Lying to You, a sour, for which the label is the warning.

For the Raccoon: Provenance, the house ale; Legal Tender, a braggot payable in bent spoons; and Night Deposit, a dark ale made after closing, from what was left.

The beers pour, in theory, at the dive bar where the company's game An Empire of One Raven begins, playable free at warnerempire.com/adventure.

"The beer is the only part we don't have," Warner said. "Everything else is extremely well documented. The pump cart alone has a paper trail most breweries would envy."

Totally Not A Brewery joins Totally Not A Record Label, Totally Not A Game Studio, Trash Panda Trading Co., and Under the Weather Dry Goods on the companies page. Consistent with company policy, the announcement ends at the merch: the shirts, unlike the beer, are real, at warnerempire.com/merch.

Totally Not A Brewery is not a real brewery. There is no beer. There was never any beer. Management has reviewed the situation and concluded: I'm pretty sure the goat did it.

About Warner Empire, LC

Warner Empire, LC is a Salt Lake City company operating Eco Moving Utah, a reusable moving tote rental service; Bin X, booking and payments software for bin and tote rental companies; Totally Not A Record Label; Totally Not A Game Studio; and Totally Not A Brewery. More at warnerempire.com.