Warner Empire Appoints Moo Cow as Judge Between the Raven and the Goat, Announces Her Upcoming Band

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah: Warner Empire, LC today announced that Moo Cow, a black and white dairy cow, has joined the company as presiding judge in the long-running dispute between the Raven and the Goat, and that her band will be announced on Totally Not A Record Label.

The appointment addresses an obvious problem. Until today, the company's court, Trial by Raven, was presided over by the Raven, who also served as the jury and was a party to the case. Management reviewed this arrangement and concluded it was, technically, a conflict of interest.

"The Raven has never left his post, and I trust his memory with my life," said Guy Warner, founder of Warner Empire, LC. "But you cannot be the judge, the jury, and one of the two animals being sued. Somebody neutral had to sit on that bench, and the cow was the only applicant who was not impressed with either of them."

Moo Cow's duties are narrow and total: hear the Raven, hear the Goat, and decide who is telling the truth. Early indications are not favorable to the Goat, whose defense to date consists of a press release in which he stated, "I delivered the message," and then ate the evidence. The Goat has been notified of the appointment. He has not responded. He does not have an email. He ate the email.

The case is expected to be heard in Chapter Three: The Trial of the company's game, An Empire of One Raven, where the Goat has demanded a hearing. Chapter One is playable now, free, at warnerempire.com/adventure, and the existing Trial by Raven page remains open to the public at warnerempire.com/trial while the court relocates to its new judge.

Her Second Role Is Musical

Moo Cow's band, Verdict, will be the fourth act on Totally Not A Record Label, joining The Authentic Guy, Horns of Hatred, and Trash Panda Social Club. No music has been released. The label describes the sound, in advance, as unbothered.

"Every act on this label has an agenda," Warner said. "The goat is selling a story, the raccoon is selling whatever fell off the truck, and I am selling shirts. The cow is the first one with nothing to sell you, which is exactly why she gets the gavel and the record deal."

Consistent with company policy, the appointment ends at the merch: the court, the band, and the verdict are all real, and so are the shirts, at warnerempire.com/merch.

Moo Cow was unavailable for comment. She looked at the questions for a long time and then went back to standing in the field. The court accepts this as her statement.

About Warner Empire, LC

Warner Empire, LC is a Salt Lake City company operating Eco Moving Utah, a reusable moving tote rental service; Bin X, booking and payments software for bin and tote rental companies; Totally Not A Record Label; Totally Not A Game Studio; and Totally Not A Brewery. More at warnerempire.com.